Humor ClassesYou finally Know You Are a Witch When
The Charge Of The Caffeine Goddess
Your Neighbor is a Witch If..
Murphy's Law For Witches
Misc. Oneliners
Facebook Humor
You finally Know You Are a Witch When...
1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
2. When cleaning house you have to specify.
"Where is the broom? No, not THE broom,
where is the one to clean the floor with?"
3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
4. Neighborhood cats commune in your front yard.
5. There are more jars of strange smelling
plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
6. Friends know they can always give you
candles and incense as a gift.
7. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched,
you find you side with Samantha' s mother Endora.
8. You've actually tried to twitch your nose
to add emphasis to your spell work.
9. When traveling, stranger and stranger
strangers tell you their problems.
10. You swear in the plural.
11. You find yourself making corn dollies
in the checkout line at the grocery store.
12. Whenever someone sneezes you say "Goddess Bless."
13. You ask for Halloween off,
because it's a religious holiday.
14. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
Go to TopClassroom Main ListMain List IndexRandom Madness HomeThe Charge Of The Caffeine Goddess
(Just for fun)
Say:
Listen to the words of the Great Mother,
She who of old was called among men Savarin,
Nescafe, Folgers Crystals and so many other names...
Whenever ye have need of wakefulness,
at least once in the day, and better it be when
the Sun is rising, then ye shall assemble in
your kitchens and adore the essence of Me
who am Queen of all Beverages. There ye shall
assemble, ye who are fain to gain awakening,
yet have not won open eyes, to these
I will teach things that are yet unknown.
And ye shall be free from coherence;
and as a sign that ye be truly free,
ye shall be yawning in your rites;
and ye shall read the morning paper,
make bacon and eggs, and drive to
work, all in My praise.
For Mine is the ecstasy of the awakened,
and Mine also is joy on earth;
for My law is sleeplessness unto all beings.
Keep clean your mug; let naught float
upon its surface and so turn your stomach.
For Mine is the secret door which opens
upon the land of coherence, and Mine is
the cup of the Elixir of Life, and the
Cauldron of Caffeine,
which is the Holy Grail of Insomnia.
I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the
gift of wakefulness unto the mind of man.
Upon awakening, I give the knowledge of the
caffeine high eternal, and beyond morning,
I give peace, and warmth, and tolerance
of those with whom ye must interact.
Nor do I demand aught of Saccharin; for Behold!
I am the Mother of all Stimulants,
and My love is poured out into your mug.
Go to TopClassroom Main ListMain List IndexRandom Madness HomeYour Neighbor is a Witch If...50 Sure Fire Ways to Detect Paganism
1. Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day.
I mean, re-cycling and composting is fine,
but you can take it too far.
2. You casually ask what phase the Moon is in,
and she tells you down to the exact number of days,
hour and minute of rising, position on horizon,
and current angle of declination.
3. All the stray cats in the neighborhood tend
to congregate in her garden
(and use your own as their litter).
4 A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post
outside her house as its favorite calling-post.
That's just when it's getting warm at night
and you like to sleep with the window open.
5. Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden;
in fact it looks more like she's cultivating them.
Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over
onto your pristine lawn.
6. Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.
7. The local kids talk in whispers as they go past
her house, then start running at the last moment.
8. Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the
incident when the kids' costumes were less scary
than hers when she opened the door to them.
(She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!)
9. Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her
flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true!
10. She can't even make a simple sandwich without
adding fresh herbs to it. And don't ask her for a
cup of tea unless you want something yellow
coloured and smelling of flowers.
11. She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what
her secret is and she confides that she returns
it to sender after writing something
on in strange curly writing.
12. When you pop next door for a chat,
the kettle is always already on.
13. The Jehovah's Witnesses never call
(not anymore; not after the last time :-).
14. Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.
15. Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't
seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while).
16. She's always smiling, darn her!
17. She goes dressed as normal to a
Halloween fancy dress party; and wins first prize.
18. Her house always smells of incense.
19. Has named her four cats Hecate, Kali,
Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or her rats Devon and Cornwall)
20. Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads".
21. Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who
confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they
always return them with apologies after analysis.
22. At Christmas, it seems like half the garden
has been moved into the house.
23. You sometimes hear the sound of singing
and dancing through the wall. If you look
out of the window, it is usually a full moon.
24. She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday.
And she plays it at midnight in the fields.
And she's got a blasted tambourine.
25. You discover that her realistic resin
skull ornament in her living room, actually is real.
26. You catch her washing a crystal
ball along with the dishes.
27. She wears a lot of silver jewelry,
even when doing the gardening.
And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake.
28. You knock on her door and she answers it
naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize
for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that her hair isn't wet.
29. Irritating tendency to hum a lot.
What's she got to be so happy about, huh?
30. She has a tame robin that will eat
from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural.
31. Never catches a cold, even though
she walks barefoot most of the time.
In the snow as well.
32. Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy
long-legged ones that suddenly appear from
the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.
33. She listens to what you
are saying like she really cares.
34. She has lots of female friends who come
round every few months. When you ask what
they get up to, she tells you that they
just have cakes and ale and a good natter.
35. You catch her hugging a tree.
36. Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.
37. She has a mail-order account with
a semi-precious gem wholesaler.
38. You notice that the parish priest crosses
himself whenever he walks past her house.
39. She never watches television.
And she has shelves full of books
with black spines and silver-lettered titles.
40. To your certain knowledge she has never set
foot in the local church. In fact, you have
heard rumors that she has been barred from it.
41. She makes jars of quince and mandrake
relish for the Women's Institute
coffee morning jumble sale.
42. You ask to borrow a pack of cards
for an impromptu bridge evening,
and there are 78 in the pack.
43. You have never known her to visit her GP.
44. When you talk with her,
she maintains eye contact all the time.
45. Expectant mothers are forever visiting her.
Also women who become expectant mothers
a month after visiting her.
46. You ask her for suggestions for nice
walks in the area, and they all go by way
of stone circles and strange earth mounds.
47. She only buys organic. And you just bet
that she's a vegetarian as well.
(Well, maybe not strictly vegetarian....)
48. When you ask her about her vacation plans,
she tells you she will be camping
in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons.
49. There aren't any mirrors in
her house. Or clocks.
50. She tells you that she is coming out of the
broom closet, joins Witches' Voice,
and erects a stained-glass pentacle
window in her front door.
Go to TopClassroom Main ListMain List IndexRandom Madness HomeMurphy's Law For Witches
No spell is as easy as it looks.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways
in which a spell can go wrong, and circumvent
these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
Every spell performed to solve a problem
will breed new problems.
Mother Nature is sometimes a bitch.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong;
and anything that cannot possibly
go wrong will also go wrong.
No matter what the result of a spell,
there will always be someone eager to:
(a) misinterpret it.
(b) fake it.
(c) believe that it happened as a result of his own work.
Once a Ritual is fouled up,
anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Everyone has a favorite ritual or spell that will not work.
As soon as you mention something¦
if it's good, it goes away;
if it's bad it happens.
If a spell requires˜x amount' of materials,
then immediately before beginning,
you will discover that you only
possess˜x amount-1' materials.
In any formula, it will be discovered
that the required amounts have been forgotten.
No books are lost by lending except
those you particularly want to keep.
If you miss an issue of a newsletter,
it will be the issue that concludes
the article or ritual that you are most anxious to read.
When your familiar has fallen asleep
on your lap and looks utterly content
and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
If you drop your Athame during a rite,
you will discover that you are no
longer able to move your right foot.
The universe is not only stranger than
we imagine, it's stranger than we can imagine.
For every action, there is an
equal and opposite criticism.
For every vision of the Goddess, there is an equal
and opposite vision that negates your own vision.
If you are early to a meeting, it will be
Canceled¦ if you are on time, it will be late.
If you are late, it will have started early.
The more complicated and grandiose the ritual,
the greater the chance that it will fail.
The more carefully you plan a ritual,
the more you will resist admitting that it failed.
When a lazy witch gets into trouble
due to his ignoring the facts,
he will imagine that his failures
are caused by another's curse.
The best and most effective rituals
occur when you are home with the flu.
You always hear about the need for a
ritual or spell after that need ends.
When all else fails, consult your Book of Shadows.
Go to TopClassroom Main ListMain List IndexRandom Madness HomeMisc. Oneliners
Where do Snowmen dance? At the snowball
When are stairs rude? When they stare
Why wasn't the window cool? They didn't have any shades
What is a trombone's favorite thing to do on the playground? Slide
Why can't elephants forget? He has a trunk full of memories
How does a flower get a boat across a lake? It Rose
How do you wrap a cloud? With a rainbow
Where does a dog sleep? In a pup tent
What kind of music sticks with you? Taped music
Where should you put tired groceries? In a sleeping bag
Why couldn't the strings ever win? They could only tie
How do you get a talkative shirt to be quiet? Button it up
What kind of medicine did the bed take? Pill-o's
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What did the square say to the circle? Been around long?
What kind of hats do they wear at the North Pole? ~ Ice caps
What did A and B look for at the beach? A C gull
Where does the dog hate to shop? At the flea market
Facebook HumorImpossibilities In The World
You can't count your hair.
You can't wash your eyes with soap.
You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
(Put your tongue back in fool)
10 Things I Know About You
1 You are reading this.
2 You are human.
3 You can't say the letter P without separating your lips.
4 You just attempted to do it.
6 You are laughing at yourself.
7 You have a smile on your face and you skipped #5.
8 You just checked to see if there was a #5.
9 You laugh because you are an idiot and everyone does it too.
10 You are probably going to send this to see who falls for it.
Misc Funny Facebook Quotes...
Family and friends are like butt cheeks..
Shit may separate them but they always come back together.
I like you because you join in on our weirdness.
I don't always have loud sex with the neighbor
cat but when I do it's outside your window at 3a.
Don't you hate it when you can remember things
from years ago but you can't remember
what you went in the kitchen for?
If you have no sense of humor then you have no sense at all.
Let's take a moment and be thankful that spiders don't fly.
I tried to see things your way but I couldn't
get my head that far up my ass! Sorry about that.
I speak sarcasm fluently. Do you need a translator?
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.
My house is not a mess it's just domestically challenged.
Its ok if you don't like my personality.
I've got several others.
This is not a bakery. I don't sugar coat anything.
If you ask for my opinion that's what you'll get.
Don't be mad if it's not what you want to hear.
When I am stressed I have an eating disorder.
I eat dis order of fries, dis order of chicken,
dis order of pizza.. You get my point.
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids took it.
Humor ClassesYou finally Know You Are a Witch When
The Charge Of The Caffeine Goddess
Your Neighbor is a Witch If..
Murphy's Law For Witches
Misc. Oneliners
Facebook Humor
Classroom Section Main List Index Random Madness Home